he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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