The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
