you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
