He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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