sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
