absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
