Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
