Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
