I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
