last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize