The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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