quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
