toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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