The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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