when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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