I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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