Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize