why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
