he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
