she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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