LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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