3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
