I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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