You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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