i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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