I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
