Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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