you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
