i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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