I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
