I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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