a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
