i barfeds in our rink
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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