Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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