I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
