Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
