just tell him i said nine months
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
