Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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