I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
