Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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