I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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