that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
