when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
