Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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