He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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