bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
