So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
