I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
