I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize