I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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