i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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