I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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