8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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