How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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