you traded sex for a burrito?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
