I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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