i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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