Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
