weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
