my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
