I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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