I wish I could punch you in the face.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
